Her Life, Her Terms

Tag: Knowing Your Worth

  • At Least He’s Not Mean” Is Not a Reason to Stay.

    Many young women ask themselves some version of this question late at night: “Is this the most happy/valued/cherished I’ll ever be?” Look closely and it isn’t really a question. She already knows she’s unhappy. She feels unappreciated and has that gnawing feeling that maybe she deserves better. What she’s asking is whether she’s allowed to want more, and whether the feeling is justified. If that’s you, here is the short answer: you are unhappy, and that’s enough.

    The question behind the question

    People rarely ask for permission to feel something unless they’ve been taught that their feelings don’t matter. In unbalanced relationships, that lesson is often delivered in small doses. You ask for more help and you’re told you’re being demanding. You express how they hurt your feelings and you’re told you’re too sensitive. You mention wanting nicer treatment and you’re called entitled.

    After enough of this, the doubt moves in with you. You stop asking “is he treating me well?” and start asking “am I the problem for wanting more?” That shift is the sign worth noticing. A healthy relationship doesn’t make you audit your own feelings before you’re allowed to have them.

    A picture many women will recognize

    Picture a relationship that looks fine from the outside. He’s never raised his voice. He’s faithful. He comes home straight from work, settles in on the couch, and stays there. She cooks, she cleans, she drives, she plans, and she does it all after a full day of work, while he arrives home earlier and still asks her what’s for dinner.

    When she asks for more, he laughs it off, or says he didn’t know, or says she’s being demanding. Or promises to pitch in, but never actually does. When he says something unkind and she raises it, he says he was only joking. Months pass. Nothing changes. She starts picking up extra work shifts just to be out of the house, and she notices she’s gradually stopped feeling excited about holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, even her own generosity.

    Nothing in that picture is a dramatic crisis. That’s exactly why it’s so easy to stay. Especially if you have kids, because no women actively desires being a single mother.

    When the bar drops to “at least he’s not…”

    In situations like this, the good qualities people list are usually things like: he’s loyal, he doesn’t yell, he’s not violent, he doesn’t pressure me. Those matter, and they’re worth having. But they are the floor, not the ceiling. Not being cruel isn’t the same as being a good partner, and loyalty to a relationship that gives you nothing back isn’t a gift to you.

    A useful test is to notice what you’re grateful for. If the best things you can say about someone are what he doesn’t do, the relationship may be running on a very low standard that you’ve slowly adapted to.

    A good partner brings something positive to your life, not just an absence of harm. Here’s what that tends to look like:

    • Effort without being asked. He notices what needs doing and does it, instead of waiting to be told twice.
    • A fair share of the load. Cooking, cleaning, driving, planning, and emotional work are shared, not quietly assigned to you.
    • Kindness when you disagree. He can hear “that hurt me” and respond with care instead of mockery.
    • Interest in your life. He’s glad you have friends, family, and your own interests, and doesn’t sulk about them.
    • Accountability. He apologizes and changes, rather than calling it a joke or telling you you’re too sensitive.
    • A better version of you. You feel more like yourself around him, not smaller, tired, or on guard.

    “I was only joking” and other ways concerns get turned around

    A few phrases come up again and again when a partner doesn’t want to look at his behavior. “I was just joking.” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re entitled.” “I didn’t know you wanted that.”

    Sometimes they’re honest mistakes. But if you’ve said something clearly, more than once, and the answer is always a laugh or a reversal, take that seriously. Jokes that keep landing on the same theme, like treating you as the maid, the cook, the assistant, or the one who’s always available, often say what a person actually believes while letting him avoid being held to it.

    The point isn’t to decide he’s a villain. It’s to stop explaining away the pattern.

    Why it’s so hard to leave

    If you know in your gut what you want to do and still can’t seem to do it, you’re not weak. A few things are usually at work:

    • Sunk cost. The longer you’ve been in it, the harder it is to walk away from the time you’ve already put in. But time already spent is a reason to learn from it, not to keep paying.
    • Familiarity. A known, uncomfortable routine can feel safer than an unknown future.
    • The habit of appeasing. If you’ve spent years smoothing things over and giving more, stopping can feel unnatural, even selfish. It isn’t.
    • Self-blame. If you started the relationship or kept it going, it’s tempting to feel responsible for making it work forever. You’re allowed to change your mind.

    Here’s the hopeful part. Many women who leave a relationship like this describe the same thing afterward: relief, and then joy. Being alone is often better than wondering every day whether you’ve settled.

    Many women say the same thing about life afterward, and this piece on being single after 30 shows how common it is.

    What you can do now

    1. Trust the feeling. You don’t need a verdict from anyone else. Persistent unhappiness is information.
    2. Say it clearly, once. Not hints, not sighs, not an attitude. Name the specific behaviors and what you need instead, in plain words.
    3. Watch what happens next. Over a few weeks, does he change, or does he get defensive, joke, or let it fade? Actions are your answer, not promises.
    4. Give yourself a timeline. Decide how long you’ll wait for real change. An open-ended “someday” is how years go by.
    5. Lean on your people. Tell a friend or family member what’s going on. If you notice a partner resents your support system, that’s worth paying attention to.
    6. Make an active choice. Staying passively and leaving passively are both ways of letting things happen to you. Choose, whichever way you go.

    If you worry about feeling empty or lonely afterward, this article covers why a full life can still feel like something is missing, and what helps.

    A note on safety

    This article is about everyday imbalance and disrespect, but patterns like these can sit close to something more serious. If you ever feel afraid of your partner, controlled, constantly belittled, or cut off from people, please talk to a counselor or someone you trust. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233, or by texting BEGIN to 88788.

    You deserve a partnership, not a service arrangement

    You’re allowed to want a relationship where love, fun, and generosity go both ways. You’re allowed to be unhappy without a perfect list of reasons. And you’re allowed to decide that you’d rather build your life with people who show up than keep waiting for someone who doesn’t.

    You don’t need anyone’s permission. You just need to hear yourself.

  • Did I Miss Out? The Honest Conversation Women Are Having About Being Single in their 30s or 40s.

    A question that often keeps coming up among women in my circle: at work over lunch, in group chats, and at long dinners with friends. If you’ve never been married or had a long-term partner, do you feel like you missed out? Some ask it lightly. Others admit it comes with a real ache, a struggle about not having that special someone to share their life with. The answers vary a lot, and taken together they’re more hopeful than you’d expect.

    Yes, it can hurt, and you’re allowed to say so

    For many women, the answer is a plain “yes.” Some miss having someone for an ordinary Friday night home movie and a cuddle. Some grieve never getting to experience true love while they were still young and hopeful. Some feel real loneliness when friends their age get married, have kids, and talk about the challenges of parenting.

    One point that comes up again and again and deserves attention: when these women are told “you’re not missing much,” it can feel dismissive. Usually this comes from someone struggling with their own challenges in a relationship. The women hearing it never wanted a bad relationship. They wanted the chance at a good one, and it’s isolating to feel you’ve skipped a rite of passage.

    Someone who is recently single after a long relationship is also in a different situation from someone who has never had one. If you feel sad about this, that isn’t weakness or a failure of feminism. It’s a normal response to wanting something you don’t have yet.

    But this lack is not the whole story

    The striking thing is how many of these women say, in the same breath, that they’re mostly at peace with their single life. Plenty describe full lives: careers they love, homes they own, travel, creative projects, family, and circle of close friends. For them, a partner sits in the “would be nice to have” category rather than the “I can’t be happy without” one.

    One key reason for this: they feel no real envy when they look at most relationships around them. Some have friends who constantly complain about unhelpful partners. Some about the disenchantment that can easily arise in long marriages. Also these single women are protective of their independence, their peace, and their freedom to move, travel, or spend money as they like. Yes, they want romance, but not at the cost of their independence and sanity.

    A realistic note: “relationships are overrated” is not comfort for everyone, and some women feel the opposite. Both reactions are valid and come from real experience.

    Everyone misses out on something

    A perspective that’s worth keeping. Choosing one path means missing another. Married women miss the long stretch of single life, and single women miss the marriage experience. Women who married late in life are grateful for the adventurous, heartbreak-filled, freedom-filled, learning years before.

    Several women also say they’re relieved they never settled when looking for a partner. While these perspectives can’t cure loneliness on a Saturday night, they make it easy to appreciate the life you’ve built over the years.

    The overall verdict: unpartnered life isn’t a lesser one, and that the worst outcome is not being single. It’s being in the wrong relationship.

    If you’re already in a relationship that leaves you unhappy, read this on why “at least he’s not mean” is not enough.

    Loneliness is often about your tribe, not just romantic partners

    The single women who aren’t lonely mostly have one thing in common: they have their people. Close families, friend groups who travel together, communities, volunteer work, a social circle they can rely on. Often friendships shower you with love, support you when you need it, and show that there’s more to life than romance.

    On the other hand, many women who do feel lonely also have a smaller social circle and fewer people to rely on. That’s compounded by the fact that making friends as an adult is hard.

    “If you have a full life and still feel something is missing, this piece explores why.”

    There’s place for hope, but not a fantasy

    Nobody can promise anyone a partner. And having one may not be all it’s made out to be. The key is in being open to meeting someone and being cautiously optimistic but not indulge in false reality that this one person will have the solution for all troubles. Also essential is raising your standards to allow in only those men that truly better your life. We never know what the future holds, but we can always hope.

    What to take away from it

    • Let yourself grieve. Wanting a partner, and being sad you don’t have one, is allowed. You don’t need to talk yourself out of it.
    • Build more than one source of connection. Friends, family, and community won’t replace romance for everyone, but they make the wait far less lonely.
    • Keep the door open without making your happiness conditional. For many single women this balance is key: open to love, but not waiting for it while doing nothing.
    • Hold your standards. Many would rather be single than compromise their peace.
    • Be careful whose advice you take. Comfort from someone in a very different situation can miss the mark. The most useful voices name both the loss and the good.

    You probably haven’t missed out. More precisely, you’ve been living one version of life while wondering about another, and many women do exactly that and end up okay.

    Related reading: You Built the Life You Wanted. Why Does It Still Feel Empty?

  • You Built the Life You Wanted. Why Does It Still Feel Empty?

    Advice for independent women who did everything right and still feel like something is missing.

    A reader recently asked a question that more than a few of us could have written. She’s in her early thirties. She has a steady career, her own home, a cat, close friends, and financial independence. She bakes, gardens, takes pottery classes, hikes, travels, and flies out to see people she loves. By every measure we’ve been taught to respect, she’s built a full life.

    And yet – she’s bored, empty, and simply unhappy. She felt content and more alive when she was in a relationship, even when the rest of her life was a mess. Now she can’t find a partner she connects with, and feels the time is slipping away. She doesn’t want another hobby or another vacation. She wants something that lasts.

    Hundreds of women go through some version of this. Life is messy, contradictory, and always green on the other side. It is even more complicated for women who’ve painstakingly built their independence.

    1. Wanting a partner doesn’t betray your independence

    Did reading the story of this young reader draw out a sigh of Sister, me too from your heart? Women in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond often go through the same chronic emptiness and exhaustion at doing everything alone.

    Many miss the intimacy that comes from being in a committed relationship, and that there’s nothing shameful about admitting it. You can have a rich life and good friends, but still crave the deep emotional connection that a partner brings. Many women are so invested in being the happily independent woman they’d aways aspired to be, that they bury every desire for something more traditional deep underneath.

    If you’ve felt the pressure to build an identity around not needing anyone, this is the trap. Feminism fought for our right to live fully without being defined by a man or a marriage. It never said desire for love is weakness. You can be completely capable of supporting yourself and still want someone to share the load, the jokes, and the ordinary Tuesday evenings with. Both things are true.

    2. Being alone and being lonely are different problems

    There’s a fine distinction between not knowing how to be alone and being an independent person with a full life who still craves emotional intimacy. The usual advice (make more friends, join a club, volunteer) tends to treat them as the same thing.

    If you already have good friends, a career you like, and a calendar full of things you enjoy, “get a new hobby” is not a solution. It misses the point. Also, friendships drift as friends pair off and have kids, so even a strong social circle can thin out when you’re the only one still available on a random Friday. The loneliness may be real and structural, not a failure of effort on your part.

    2. Being alone and being lonely are different problems

    Another commenter drew a distinction I wish more advice-givers understood. There’s a gap between not knowing how to be alone and being an independent person with a full life who still craves emotional intimacy. The usual advice (make more friends, join a club, volunteer) tends to treat them as the same thing.

    If you already have good friends, a career you like, and a calendar full of things you enjoy, “get a new hobby” is not a solution. It misses the point. Some people also noted that friendships drift as friends pair off and have kids, so even a strong social circle can thin out when you’re the only one still available on a random Friday. The loneliness may be real and structural, not a failure of effort on your part.

    If you’ve never had a long-term relationship at all, here’s what other women say about being single after 30.

    3. Check whose Life List you’ve been following

    When going through something like this, ask yourself a question: is this the life you wanted, or the life you were supposed to want?

    In many circles, the ability to live alone is a marker of financial success. The answer however might be in living together with friends, getting a roommate, or exploring other nontraditional solutions. Sometimes we also fall into the trap of curating a life that makes us seem interesting rather than taking up things that genuinely interest us. We’re also often chasing achievements that a modern economy rewards, not what we need as humans: community, connection, and a sense of purpose.

    Try this honestly: which parts of your life would you keep if no one could see them? Which would you drop? “Independent” shouldn’t mean “following a different script.” It should mean writing your own.

    4. A partner is wonderful, but not a cure

    “Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way” – Kierkegaard

    For several women, finding a partner fills the void. Quite a few meet theirs later in life, and there’s no need to despair about timing. For several others: a relationship can fill the space for a while, but if emptiness is coming from inside, it follows you into the next one. Humans have known to be miserable both in and out of good relationships and a partner isn’t always the solution you think it is.

    Another good solution is to look at your past relationship patterns. Some women are conditioned to live in chaos and drawn to unsteady partners. If you’re used to getting excitement from turbulence, you can feel listless and miserable when things are more calm.

    The takeaway isn’t to pick a side. It’s to hold two ideas together: wanting partnership is legitimate, and a partner shouldn’t be your only plan for feeling alive. Go looking for love as an addition to a life, not an escape from one.

    A partner only helps if the relationship is actually good. Here’s how to tell when it isn’t.

    5. Rule out the boring explanations too

    It could be that this was never about romance. A feeling of persistent emptiness or flatness or lack could be depression, anhedonia (the loss of ability to enjoy things), nutritional deficiency, or simply burnout. I’d encourage talking to a therapist or a doctor about your feelings. Reducing screen time and minimizing social media use can also sometimes turn things around. Consuming excessive digital media can often dull our ability to enjoy real life.

    6. Practical things to try and tackle the emptiness

    • Treat finding connection like a project. If you’ve succeeded at your career and finances, you know how to pursue a goal. Give dating and entering a relationship the same deliberate effort: apps, events, friends who’ll set you up.
    • Approach dating with curiosity, not desperation. I’d caution against dating just to fill a void or tick a final box. You’re looking for a person, not a solution. Equally important, don’t put too many expectations on one date.
    • Invest in the people you already have. Call your mom or a close friend “just because.” Share meals. Make plans that repeat.
    • Look for meaning, not just activity. For some, volunteering or being of service gives a new purpose. Teaching a skill you already have, even informally, is a lighter way to connect with new people.
    • Try things that serve no outcome. Play, novelty, a different book or museum, a weekly “first-time” experience. Try something new and be ready to suck at it.
    • Let yourself be hopeful, and be gentle about it. After all, hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. Focus on what you can control while accepting that finding a person involves luck and timing.
    • Consider nontraditional setups. A pet, housemates, a community, a spiritual practice. A good life doesn’t have to look like the template.

    7. You don’t owe anyone a particular kind of life

    For some, having children is what gives them purpose. Many women become single mothers by choice either through adopting or IVF. Motherhood is a profound choice for many women. At the same time, it’s important to remember that an empty-feeling life can’t be fixed by adopting someone else’s idea of fulfillment. The only version of meaning that holds up is the one that’s actually yours.

    You can be accomplished, self-sufficient, and a little lonely. That isn’t a contradiction or a failure of feminism. It’s just being human, and humans are built for connection.

    So if your life looks great on paper and still feels hollow: take the feeling seriously, name what you’re actually missing, check your health and your habits, and go after connection with the same energy you’ve put into everything else. You are not behind, and you are not alone.

    Related reading: Did I Miss Out? The Honest Conversation Women Are Having About Being Single After 30